The Dating Gate
by Hejira
Summary: The Dating Game, SG-1 style. With a little extra spice put into it.


The Dating Gate  
  
Summary: SG-1 version of The Dating Game. If you don't know it, you'll see. Haven't watched it in a while, so if something's off, laugh at me. I just want to make you laugh.  
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and all characters contained in the show aren't mine. Honestly. There's so many versions of The Dating Game, I wouldn't know where to begin disclaiming IT!  
Rating: PG-13 (I can't help but slash some people. With hilarious results, I assure you.)  
Thanks to: A friend of mine who won't be on the 'net until Xmas, who said Jack needed to get laid. She's not a 'shipper, but that used to be true with the X Files. USED to be. *evil grin* Also thanks to Aphy, who's What's That Obvious Answer got me thinking, especially when a certain voting off occurred that made me scream at my computer. Thanks to you both, you inspired me!  
Notes: I'll probably sneak in elements from my Enterprise version of The Weakest Link. Do check it out and tell me what you think. This will also be my first official Stargate fanfic. WOO HOO!  
  
  
  
  
The set is constructed from bits of pick found anywhere. All different shades of pink. It's sickening. The Stargate is built into the set, with the chevron lights altered so they lock with pink lights instead of red.  
  
Three singles are hidden behind a screen to the right, although the audience can see them. Some of them are chuckling. You are not one of them, as you've been seated down the front, at the very left. (Life sucks, doesn't it?)  
  
(Don't worry, worse things are going to happen to the contestants.)  
  
A 16 year old blonde who dyed her hair auburn ages ago (them roots are showing so badly!) walks onto stage in a nice light grey silk skirt that shines under the (yup) pink lights.  
  
"Hello everybody!" she greets into her hand-held microphone.  
  
Everybody in the audience cheers.  
  
"Welcome to The Dating Gate. I am your host for the evening."  
  
"Woo hoo!" shouts Tanith, who should be dead.  
  
Zat fire comes from behind the screen and hits Tanith three times.  
  
"Thank you," the host thanks. "Anyway, what a show we have for you!"  
  
The audience starts clapping again.  
  
"Now, the rules of The Dating Gate are simple, yet complex, because it's just been decided to add another element into the game. Three people sit behind that screen and wait for their true love to come. We have eight people - four men, four women - waiting on other worlds. They have to complete a task to get to the Stargate first and dial into the studio.  
  
"Thanks to our cute grey friends, the Asgard, someone behind the screen can also go to a world and pick someone themselves. I wuv technology."  
  
Thor beams in and looks at the monitor. "Why is the lower half of my body pixelated?" is his first question.  
  
"Because you're naked. And we're using the American ratings system."  
  
Thor nods wisely. "The male contestants are ready to play."  
  
"Beaudiful." Their images are shown thanks to Asgard technology - Jack, Teal'c, Harry, and George.  
  
Jack is stroking his gun. He's also on P4X-639; he has a tank of sunscreen blocking the sunlight with a small, small pump, like the ones that are with normal sized bottles.  
  
Teal'c is looking scary and standing there, staff weapon in hand. Thanks to the wonders of suspension of disbelief, he's on Tollana. Narim is next to him.  
  
Harry is constantly looking over his shoulder, refusing the drinks offered to him by the natives. He's on P3X-595.  
  
George is living the high life for the time being - he's on Argos. It must be noted that Kynthia is acting like a foot-warmer for him. He's sitting on the fallen statue of Pelops.  
  
The host takes her microphone and says, "Guys, can you hear me?"  
  
The men nod.  
  
"Okay, do you remember your numbers?"  
  
Jack is 3, Teal'c is 2, Harry is 4, and George is 1. They nod again.  
  
"Here are your missions. Do not begin until I say so. 1, just run to the gate and dial up. 2, pinch some technology using diplomacy and get over here. 3, empty that tank before proceeding to the gate and dialing up. 4, get a shave from those lovely people, and come here fully clothed. BEGIN!"  
  
Kynthia hops off of George as he starts running.  
  
Teal'c turns to Narim and asks him for some technology. Narim refuses.  
  
Jack starts pumping the sunscreen away like he's never pumped before.  
  
Harry runs into some troubles when the natives want to give him a drink before shaving him.  
  
George is running to the gate.  
  
Teal'c asks Narim again. Narim refuses again.  
  
Jack is surrounded in a sea of sunscreen and continues pumping, with 10% of the tank empty.  
  
Harry takes a drink.  
  
George is still running to the gate.  
  
Teal'c asks yet again, with the words, "Pretty," and, "Please," obviously used. Narim shakes his head.  
  
Jack's sunscreen is a quarter gone.  
  
Harry's clothes are a quarter gone.  
  
George is still running to the gate.  
  
Teal'c gets down on his knees and begs. Still nothing.  
  
Jack's half-way there.  
  
So are some of the women of P3X-595.  
  
George is still running to the gate.  
  
Teal'c uses the name, "Sam." Narim dashes off to look for something.  
  
Jack's almost pumped the sunscreen away.  
  
Harry only just starts getting a shave. His face and legs are untouched.  
  
George makes it to the DHD and stops to catch his breath.  
  
Narim plucks something from Schrodinger's collar and dashes back to Teal'c.  
  
Jack finishes pumping away the sunscreen, and wades to the DHD. To his consternation, his fingers keep on slipping before he can lock in a chevron.  
  
Harry screams when the razor blade slips.  
  
George is still catching his breath.  
  
Teal'c looks at the artifact from the collar and frowns.  
  
Jack figures out that, if he uses his elbow, it won't slip. He starts punching in the address.  
  
Harry screams, "I'm shaved, already!" and gets the girls to help him put his clothes on.  
  
George pulls himself up and starts entering the address.  
  
Teal'c nods, and looks for the DHD on Tollana.  
  
Jack remembers that the symbols aren't just painted onto the DHD and nurses his elbows.  
  
Harry, all dressed, runs to the gate and punches in the address.  
  
Just then, the Asgard feed drops out. The audience sighs.  
  
The host tries to figure out a way to recover. "Well, I guess it's a surprise then."  
  
The wormhole opens (making the audience wonder, "How did they get the event horizon to look pink?") and out steps...  
  
...Harry Maybourne!  
  
The audience applauds because the flashing light says so, and laughs because they bloody well want to.  
  
The rat bastard of Stargate takes a bow, and limps to his seat. He waves to Thor and says, "Sorry about the technology theft thing."  
  
Thor nods wisely, and takes the tea towel someone offers him to wrap around the lower half of his body. It goes around twice.  
  
"Now," the host says, "I cannot say much about the women behind the panel, but contestant #1 is from a different planet, #2 shouldn't even know about the 'gate, and #3 shouldn't be here because of a certain destruction of a certain reflective something. If you guess their common theme, you get yourself a prize even if your romance goes down the gurgler."  
  
"Sweet," Harry remarks.  
  
"Ask your questions, bub. You have 5, and they all answer. Their voices are distorted, just in case you already know them."  
  
***  
  
Question 5: What would you do if I had a bad day at work?  
  
#1: I'd talk to you softly, and encourage you to let go.  
#2: I'd bring out a collection of photos to take your mind off it.  
#3: I'd ask what was wrong, and try and help you solve the problem.  
  
Question 4: What would be your ideal honeymoon?  
  
#1: Something simple. It's just another day, after all - there are many days where we can enjoy each other.  
#2: A cruise where we can be alone together.  
#3: Somewhere with a power point. I'm not choosy, I just need electricity. You'd be marrying my computer too.  
  
Question 3: What do you think about having children?  
  
#1: The sooner, the better.  
#2: Their lives are precious.  
#3: They need a safe world to grow up in.  
  
Question 2: What would your reaction be if I died?  
  
#1: I'd regret not spending enough time with you, but I would get over it in, oh, a hundred days?.  
#2: I'd grieve, but eventually move on. It'd take me longer than one hundred days...  
#3: Oh please, not again!  
  
Question 1: Where would you like to live, in an ideal world?  
  
#1: Out in the open spaces.  
#2: The suburbs, like I do now. I guess I'm used to it.  
#3: Absolutely. Failing that...near a university?  
  
***  
  
The host walks up to Harry and asks, "Who do you choose?"  
  
"Well, as much as I like #3...I think she has some unresolved issues?"  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
"And #2...I do like #2..."  
  
"And...?  
  
"Well, #1 just rings right with me. So I'm going for #1."  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
The host grins. "Let's meet them."  
  
#3 is revealed first. She is...the AU Sam Carter from Point of View! She holds a Zat in her hand.  
  
#2 is next...and it's Sara O'Neill!  
  
The drums roll. #1, Harry's chosen girl, is none other than...  
  
...Laira!  
  
"Do you want to guess their common theme?" the host asks.  
  
Harry's jaw has dropped. He manually pushes it up with his hand ask he asks, "Is it that there's a high chance of me being called 'Jack' in a moment of passion?"  
  
The three women who were behind the panel look at each other, then nod.  
  
"I'll accept that," says the host.  
  
"What's my prize?" Harry asks.  
  
The host panics, then thinks of something. "This tea towel," she says, as Thor runs off stage.  
  
Harry takes it, takes Laira's hand, and walks her to the centre of the stage.  
  
"Now, you will be going on a holiday to..." The host spins the wheel, which barely misses Natu.  
  
"P3X-595!"  
  
"Oh no," Harry moans, but the host is already punching up the address on a DHD with pink streamers on it. The wormhole opens, and the host pushes the new couple through.  
  
"Glad we got rid of them," she mutters. "We'll be right back."  
  
Cheesy music plays as it goes to commercial break, fading to pink.  
  
*****************************************  
  
So.  
  
Tell me what you think! Tell me who the female competitors should be (I need four and I need ideas on who those four should be. I know what I'm doing with the men next. Jack's stint on P4X-639 is all I can say about it) and who should be behind the panel! They need a common theme, and I don't mean gender!  
  
Mmm. Slashilicious. 


End file.
